A Night to Remember
by wanderingbutnotlost
Summary: Sister Jude has had an infatuation with Monsignor Timothy Howard since she first saw him. When she makes dinner for him, she discovers that he may share these feelings.
1. Chapter 1

A Night to Remember

Chapter 1

Judy Martin's life had been a roller coaster ride of bad decisions. It had all started in her younger years, when she worked as a singer at a local bar. Judy knew that she was beautiful, yet she needed constant validation from those around her, particularly men. The only way that she knew how to receive that was throwing herself at every Tom, Dick, and Harry that glanced her way while she sang. Her life was an endless string of sleepless night and days filled with regret. The only thing she had to numb her feelings of self-pity was the sweet solace that alcohol provided her with. She was in a steady routine of drink, sing, fuck, repeat until that night. That night when everything changed. That night when she ended the life of an innocent child in a small blue coat and couldn't even bring herself to get out of the car. The images of the child lying on the side of the road still haunted her, even now as she prepared her specialty for the Monsignor's dinner.

After the horrible accident, Judy turned to a life of the cloth and prayed for forgiveness, although she had yet to forgive herself. But now, she focused her mind on lighter matter, like sautéing mushrooms to perfection and drizzling red wine and olive oil over them, just how he liked it. There was one man that Jude desperately wanted the approval of, and he would be coming for dinner rather shortly. The visits from the Monsignor were like little bursts of light that made Jude's time at Briarcliff seem like time in heaven. She had admitted to herself long ago that she had an undeniable crush on the handsome man of God. Of course, she knew that she couldn't act upon it and these instances were one of the few that made her regret choosing the life of a nun. And Jude knew how much the church meant to Timothy and that he would never be willing to throw all of it away. But there was no harm in day dreaming.

Soon the meal was prepared and it sent an aroma of decadence through the room. Jude began to ready herself and slipped on her veil and began buttoning her up her habit. She then laid out the table settings for the two of them, placing them slightly closer than what would be considered appropriate. As she did so, a vision of Timothy grabbing her at the hips and hoisting her onto the table, sending the plates smashing to the floor in the process, flashed through her mind. She could practically feel his hands trailing the buttons of her habit and his mouth pressed tightly against hers. Jude shook herself out of the impure thoughts and poured a glass of water in an effort to calm her racing heart. The coolness of the drink did little to slow her heart beat or to stop the heat from spreading through her body. At that moment she heard 3 raps on the door, the signature knock of the Monsignor.

Jude tried to compose herself as she glided to the door and opened it to his beaming smile. He sauntered in and placed a polite peck on her waiting cheek. She gazed at him eagerly as he said,

"Good evening, Sister Jude, it's a lovely evening isn't it? I've brought these to help brighten up the dreariness of this room." He handed Jude a bouquet of violets, baby's breath, and tulips wrapped elegantly with soft pink tissue paper and a silver ribbon. Jude failed to notice the solitary red rose that was placed delicately in the middle of the arrangement. Timothy stared at her with his dark, sparkling eyes from behind the thick frames of glasses. Even through his traditional priest's outfit the muscular and toned nature of his chest, arms and legs was clearly evident.

"Why thank you Monsignor these are absolutely lovely. Let me put them in water. I think they'll make a lovely center piece while we eat." Timothy smiled slightly as he watched her bustle into the kitchen and search for a vase that suited the flowers. She chose a crystal vase with small shapes cut into it that caught the light and cast waves of shimmers onto its surroundings. He took a seat at the table, pulled the napkin out of its ring, and placed it onto his lap. Jude then came out with plates of steaming food and began piling his plate high with the sautéed mushrooms and Coq au Vin. She then poured Timothy a glass of the special Communion wine that she saved for his visits. As soon as Timothy cut into his food a smile spread across his handsome face.

"Your talents never cease to amaze me, Jude." _Although I want you to do more than cook for me_, he thought with an internal smirk. Jude's face began to flush at the compliment. He loved the way she would react to his endless praise.

"You're too kind, Monsignor, too kind," she replied with a hint of demureness in her voice.

"Come now Jude, call me Timothy. We've known each other for long enough, have we not?" he gave her a reassuring smile as he took a sip from his glass.

"Well yes I suppose we have…Timothy." Jude was amazed at how quickly he could change her composure from strict nun to giddy school girl. The two of them dove into conversation about the triumph of Briarcliff as they enjoyed their meal together. When they had eaten their fill Jude stood to clear the dishes, but Timothy gently placed his hand on hers before she could. His hand lingered there for a few moments before he said,

"Please Jude, let me. You've done enough this evening, let me do something for you for a change." Jude looked up at him and he gave her a charming, debonair smile. He gathered the dishes and floated back into the kitchen. Jude placed her hand on her heart, which was racing from the excitement of the brief contact she had had with him. Jude felt the blood rushing to her face and reached for her glass of water. She knew there was nothing she could do to calm herself, but she made a feeble attempt regardless of that fact. When Timothy once again entered the room he casually managed to sit down while scooting the chair closer to Jude. Once again he reached for her hand, but this time he took both of hers into his warm, strong hands. He could tell the effect that this action had over Jude, but he ignored it. In a soft and soothing voice he cooed to her,

"Our successes here at Briarcliff are not going to go unnoticed by the church. I suspect they are planning on naming me Cardinal of New York and when they do, I want you to come with me. You are my right hand and where I go you go. With you by my side I don't see why I couldn't arise to the office of first Anglo-American pope. But I need you with me Jude. Are you willing to do that?" Timothy's speech had caught her completely off-guard. Jude would do anything for the Monsignor; there was no question about that. But just before she answered, she noticed the single red rose in the middle of the bouquet. It was then that she realized the implications of what Timothy was asking her. _No_, Jude told herself, _he can't mean anything romantic by that. It's only because I want him that this thought is even crossing my mind._

"I would do anything for you Timothy, you know that," Jude replied strongly as the shimmers from the vase danced across her face. Timothy's lips pulled into a smile and then, without any warning, he leaned in towards Jude and gently placed his lips on hers, kissing her softly with an undertone of desperation and need.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Timothy's mouth was locked onto Jude's and before she even fully grasped what was happening, Jude reciprocated. She opened her mouth slightly allowing Timothy's warm, wet tongue to explore her mouth and dance against her own. She leaned forward slightly as waves of euphoria pulsed through her body. The man that she had wanted for so long, but that she knew she couldn't have put his hand against her face stroking her cheek tenderly, even lovingly. He pressed his mouth tighter against Jude's, plunging into the sweet cavern of her mouth. He moved his hand slightly, pulling off her veil and letting the waterfall of her golden curls fall onto her shoulders. Timothy ran his fingers through her soft hair as Jude kissed him harder and more passionately. The warmth of Timothy's hands spread from Jude's head to the rest of her body and she felt a familiar heat and want spreading in between her thighs. Suddenly, Jude broke away from the kiss and looked into Timothy's dark eyes that seemed to be like an endless lake she could lose herself in.

"We can't do this Timothy. Lord knows I want to, but I can't let you throw away your dream, our dream. I know how much the church means to you." Jude spoke slowly, measuring her words. She desperately wanted Timothy; she had for as long as she had known him. Yet, she couldn't let him break his vows for her, an alcoholic whore turned nun. Timothy sighed slightly and took her hand for the third time this evening. He rubbed his thumb against Jude's long fingers, subconsciously avoiding the ring that signified her marriage to God. He stared into Jude's eyes and he saw how conflicted she was about his advances. Her mouth twitched as she locked eyes with him. Before Jude could say another word, Timothy raised one of his hands to her mouth and placed his finger over her lips, lightly tracing the line of her top lip. He then opened his mouth and softly said,

"Jude, I have loved you for as long as I've known you. You know me better than anyone else I've ever met. You know that I would never do anything to hurt you. I love you Jude." Timothy's words were spoken with such sincerity that Jude couldn't help herself but to begin to melt. Timothy leaned forward once more and brought his lips to hers. Jude was still terribly conflicted and began to ask herself if this was really the right thing to do. _He means everything to me, I can't let him do this…ugh_ she thought to herself. Yet, Timothy's surprisingly skillful tongue was beginning to change her mind. As if a switch had been flipped, all sentiments of doubt flew from her mind and she kissed Timothy back, harder and with a renewed sense of passion. Her tongue slid over his with ease as if the two had been molded for each other. Their mouths fit together like to two pieces of an erotic puzzle that had been eagerly waiting to be brought together. Timothy's hands left hers and reached up to her neck, one gently caressing the back of her neck and the other resting on her waist, urging her closer to him. Responding almost immediately to his touch, Jude gracefully removed herself from the chair and positioned herself on top of Timothy, straddling his lap. She had done so without leaving the passionate embrace of their kiss.

Jude could feel the arising sense of desperation in Timothy's touches. His hands explored her in a desperate attempt to sear the feeling of her soft body into his mind. Jude laced her fingers around the back of his neck pulling him still deeper into the kiss as he hugged her body more tightly towards his. His next moves were slower and more deliberate as he took the time to enjoy the anticipation mounting in his body. He reached up towards her neckline and began slowly unbuttoning her habit, one by one. Jude could tell he was teasing her, making her wait and she loved it. All the other men she had been with were always in such a rush to strip her down and get to it, but Timothy was different. His actions were careful and loving, yet delivered with obvious desire. Everything about them matched, the way their hands, mouths and bodies fit together made it seem like they were meant for one another. Timothy was reaching the bottom buttons of the habit and when he finally unbuttoned the last one, she broke away from the kiss, this time to ease off the clothing and let it slide off of her and onto the floor. The absence of her habit revealed a red, satin slip trimmed with a few inches of lace on the bottom and along the v-shaped neck line. The slip accentuated her shapely breasts and made Timothy's heart begin to beat faster and blood rush to his lap. His eyes swept across her and he drank in her form.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. And it seems as though I wasn't the only one anticipating this encounter, _Sister,_" Timothy said with a tint of mocking in his voice. After this comment, Timothy pressed his lips against Jude's with even greater pressure than before, fueled by the growing need and passion that they both felt. He kissed her soft lips over and over again, each time as if it was the first. He raised his hand up and cupped her breast in it, lightly kneading his thumb over her hardening nipple. In response to his touches she let a soft moan escape from her throat. Jude could feel Timothy smiling slightly through their continuing kiss. He wanted to make her feel even more pleasure than this so he stood up, with Jude wrapping her legs around his waist, and carried her over to the clear side of the table and laid her down upon it. Before assaulting her mouth with kisses again, he reached over to the rose, plucked it from the bouquet, and placed it in her hand. He leaned down over her and whispered in her ear,

"For you, my rare bird." Timothy then kissed her ear, nipping it slightly. He then moved his lips down her neck, caressing her soft skin. Jude reached up to Timothy's chest and feverishly unbuttoned his black clerical shirt. In a fit of impatience Timothy rolled the shirt off of his shoulders revealing his muscular chest and arms. Jude reached up and let her fingers run over the toned smooth muscles of his upper body. Timothy's eyes sparkled as he slid his hands up the outsides of her thighs pushing up her red slip and pulling down her red lace panties. He then began to trace small circles as he slid his hand up the insides of her thigh. When Timothy finally began to rub her hard clit Jude let out another moan, this one from deeper in her chest. Timothy planted another kiss on her beckoning lips as he plunged one finger and then another inside of her. He could feel Jude writher in pleasure beneath him and felt himself continuing to grow harder. At last, he could wait no longer and with his free hand he unzipped his pants and climbed on top of Jude. He pulled his fingers out of her and with a swift motion thrust his cock into her. He had wanted this for so long and had imagined it so many times, but he had never dreamed it would feel as wonderful and right as it did. Jude wrapped her legs around him and arched her back, urging him deeper. Timothy had found a rhythm immediately and went further with every thrust, holding on to her beautiful hips. Jude pulled him down for another kiss that lingered on perfectly, passionately. Timothy continued to grind his hips into hers, faster this time. He was getting closer to release and something told him Jude was as well, for he could feel her tightening around him. Finally, in sweet agony, Jude cried out his name as her bodied shuddered with the ecstasy of orgasm. Timothy rode out his lover's bucks until he found his release shortly after. Breathing heavy with pleasure, he gently slid out of Jude and placed another tender kiss on her panting mouth. With the rose still in her hand, Jude whispered in his ear,

"I love you too."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

With an air of satisfaction, Timothy rose up from the table and offered his hand once more to Jude. She eagerly took it and was helped up by the handsome Monsignor. He loved how her delicate hand fit perfectly into his larger one. Timothy flashed her with a reassuring smile as he led her past the table and into Jude's room. There, the two lovers collapsed onto Jude's small, simple, wooden framed bed. Timothy rolled onto his side and nestled his body closer to hers. Then with an arm draped over her waist and holding her close, the two drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Jude awoke to the harsh light of day creeping in through the blinds of her room and to the strident calls of the birds outside her window. Timothy's soft breath rushed over the top of her head, but she found it extremely soothing. This was the first night in Jude's life since the accident that her dreams had not been plagued with blurring images of dancing men at the club, swirling cigarette smoke, and a small blue coat on the side of the road. With Timothy holding her throughout the night, she had for once in her life felt a comfortable sense of safety, belonging, and acceptance. Still in the process of leaving her slumber, her eyes drifted over to the bed-side table. Next to her rosary, the single red rose faced her, its petals still emitting a sweet perfume. With this sight, a wave of panic washed over Jude. With a drop of her heart, Jude realized what she had done. Her thoughts began to race as she recalled the previous night, his hands spreading over her body like wildfire, her habit hitting the floor without a sound. _Oh dear Lord, what have I done? I've ruined our dream, his career. How can I continue to live with myself?_ Jude tried to shut out these thoughts, but her mind continued to assault her with criticism and woes. She stared up above her bed, only to be greeted by the crucifix hanging piously above her. She knew God had seen them, seen them breaking their vows and violating their marriage to God. Unable to stand it anymore, she sat up and breathed deeply in an attempt to clear her spinning head. Timothy stirred slightly in his slumber and opened his eyes. She stared down at him, her mouth parted with worry. Timothy was afraid of this. He knew Jude was going to be apprehensive about the whole situation. In an attempt to comfort her, he sat up and kissed her lips softly. He moved his mouth to her ear and whispered reassuringly,

"Listen to me Jude, you mustn't worry. It will do you no good. What happened between us was something special and beautiful. God has never been against that sort of union. God wants to see us happy and if this is what brings us joy then why renounce it? There does not have to be any shame in our love." Jude wanted desperately to believe him and even though he was the one person who made her feel safe, Jude still was uneasy.

"I feel as though I've ruined your purity. I don't want you to throw everything away you have for someone like me," Jude replied with her eyes lowered in shame. Timothy reached up and tilted her chin towards him. He gazed lovingly into Jude's eyes and replied,

"Someone like you? Jude, if I had nothing else besides you I would still be the luckiest man on God's green earth. And in regards to my purity, that was a decision that I chose to make. If anything it is I that have ruined _you_. You needn't feel any guilt about what we did. I was the one who made advances. You are not at fault. You are the only thing I truly want in this world and I did what I could to have you. I would give up anything and everything to only be with you again." Timothy's words flowed out of his mouth like honey that washed away Jude's feelings of guilt and impurity. She had waited so long to hear these words from him, these admittances of his love for her. She never thought she would be able to have Timothy; he was just too good to be true. But now, it seemed to her that the winds of change were beginning to blow in a better direction. Life seemed brighter, the air fresher, and Timothy just as handsome as ever. Jude scooted lower down along the bed and laid her head against his chest, listening to the heartbeat that matched hers. Timothy gently kissed her head and wrapped his arms around her. Nothing in his life of piety and religion had ever felt so natural. This was a feeling he couldn't let go of. Timothy aspired to be named Cardinal, but he didn't see any reason why people had to know just how close he and Jude really were. He decided that keeping this quiet would be the best thing for both of their careers in the church at this point. There was no need for anyone else to know. Timothy intended to have it all, the physical pleasures of flesh that he craved so badly and the high ranking in the church that he knew he deserved. But for now, he let his mind rest and allowed himself to drink in everything about this perfect moment. The way she smelled, the way rested against his chest, the way she felt, pressed against his torso. Timothy loved everything about her and didn't want this moment to end. The two continued to revel in their perpetual bliss as the blinds cast shadows on the walls next to them.

Jude's ears pricked up as she heard the frantic cries of one of the inmates rushing down the hall and the clatter of orderlies in hot pursuit. While picking up her head slightly she said,

"I think that's our sign Timothy. The day's festivities have started." With a slightly defiant groan, Timothy watched as Jude rose from the bed, wearing nothing but her red slip. She walked out of the room to retrieve her habit and Timothy decided he could no longer put off his departure from the bed. He swiftly swung his legs onto the chilly stone floors and followed Jude out of the bedroom, where she was already donning her habit. Timothy strode over to her saying coolly,

"May I offer my assistance?" Jude stopped buttoning in response and allowed Timothy's hands to travel up her body, buttoning the habit. Smirking slightly, Timothy fastened the top button, closest to her neck. His hands lingered there for a moment before sliding them behind her neck and pulling her into another kiss dripping with romance and passion. Jude leaned into him slightly, wrapping her arms around his waist. Their kiss was interrupted by a timid knock on the door. Timothy quickly darted for his shirt, which was still on the ground, and stole into the kitchen. Jude then walked to the door and found Sister Mary Eunice in the entrance.

"Good morning Sister Jude, I just wanted to let you know that Shelley was found stealing from the kitchen again. How would you like this to be handled?" Sister Mary Eunice asked demurely, her head angled towards the floor in respect of her superior.

"Do as you see fit, Sister, I trust your judgment," Jude replied with an undertone of annoyance in her voice. The younger woman failed to pick up on it, though, and was exuberant on account of the encouragement. With a smile and nod, Sister Mary Eunice was off, swishing down the hall. Jude closed the door as Timothy walked back out to her, once again clothed like a man of God.

"I suppose I should be off. I have some things that need my attention," Timothy said with regret. "Until next time, my rare bird." Timothy leaned in for a final kiss that seemed to leave a tingle on Jude's lips that lasted the rest of the day.

•••

One Week Later

Jude was sitting in her office enjoying a cup of tea and milling over patient files. It was getting rather late so Jude finished the last bit of her tea, cleared away the files and headed towards the lavatory. Since it was the 23rd, her time of the month, she grabbed a sanitary napkin from the top drawer of her desk. Once in the bathroom, she pulled up her habit and pulled down her undergarments. Once she did so, she felt all of the blood draining from her face and her heart stop. The little stain she was expecting was nowhere to be seen. Judy Martin had never been late before in her life.

Okay that wraps up Chapter 3! Please leave a review so I can make improvements


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Judy Martin stared blankly at the whitewashed walls of her office. Her legs ached from stiffness, although, she had no idea how long she had been sitting at her desk. The last minute, hour, or day, however long it had been, was completely erased from her memory. The only thing she knew was that there was a miniature life growing inside her, probably no more than a few different layers of cells at this point. But that fact was trivial. Judy felt no emotion about this discovery; it had yet to sink in. She simply sat staring at the same wall, with her mouth slightly parted. No one knew except her. She could make this all disappear, like a cloud of smoke swirling of into the unknown. She didn't have to tell anyone. She could slip off into the night to some discreet women's clinic in the third story of a shady apartment building and arrive back at Briarcliff in the morning, like nothing had happened.

But Judy knew in her heart that that was not an option. She had ended the life of one innocent child already and it had nearly killed her. She did not think she could bear it if she chose to let this baby go. The sheer irony of the situation baffled her. In all her years of promiscuity and sleeping around, she had never once had a pregnancy scare. Yet now, once she was in the worst possible situation to be with-child, she had conceived. Judy knew that God had seen the breaking of vows between herself and the Monsignor, and now Judy had to face the consequences. If she chose to have an abortion, then she would be denying the beliefs of her church once again. However, if she did not, leaving the church would be unavoidable. Either way, Timothy could not know. Judy couldn't bear to burden him with this. She knew how kind he truly was and that if she told him, he would most certainly leave the church with her. But Judy couldn't let him make a sacrifice like that. The church was everything to him and she knew how ambitious he was about becoming Cardinal, perhaps even Pope. Judy didn't want him to have to leave all of those dreams behind for her.

The rising sun began to cast an eerie shadow up the wall Judy was facing. Through the glass window behind her, the sky was streaked with brilliant strokes of pink and orange, as if a painter had let his pallet spill over the heavens. Judy managed to rise from her chair and walk towards the window, gazing out at the sky above her. The lawns of Briarcliff were sprinkled with morning dew and a short wave of steam rose up from the grass. Judy was rarely up early enough to appreciate the medieval, almost archaic beauty that the front lawns of Briarcliff possessed. Yet now, with her newfound burden, she saw it for what it truly was; a prison wearing the delicate mask of a sanctuary. Judy's head began to spin as she thought about the different options that she had. The walls began to close in on her and she shut her eyes to block out her blurring vision. There was so much uncertainty in this situation, but one thing Jude knew for sure. She could not face it alone.

•••

Judy drove her car up to the front lot of the Roman-Catholic Church. An alabaster statue of Mary and Joseph smiling down at their precious new son greeted her as she crept through the large, oak doors of the church. She dipped her fingers in the cool water that was made available in a small, gold bowl nailed to the wall. While making the sign of the cross, she rubbed the cool water on her forehead. Architecturally speaking, the church was beautiful. Wooden pews lined the halls and stained glass windows displaying images of saints and of Jesus covered the walls. Wooden support beams with vines and verses from the bible carved into them arced across the ceiling. The craftsmanship of the building was absolutely astonishing. However, Judy paid no attention to the carefully carved wooden beams, to the stepping stone floor, or to the walls that cast shimmering, colored light into the main hall. Judy kept her head down, even though the church was empty, and walked silently through the main room and into the back, where the confession box was held. Judy took a deep, calming breath whilst glancing at the darkly varnished wooden box. Reaching out for the cold handle, the pulled open the door and stepped inside. Through the grate on the left side of the box, she could see the outline of seated man. Sitting down herself, Jude closed her eyes and let her surroundings melt around her. In a small voice she managed to say,

"Forgive me father for I have sinned. What I have done is unforgiveable, I know that, and now I must face the consequences." A part of Judy wanted to stop and wait for the priest's reassurance that all God's children would be forgiven, but a larger part of her urged her on through. "For as long I have known him, I have been attracted to him. He has always been so kind and understanding towards me. I've had impure thoughts about him for the longest time and then he told me that he felt the same way. Without even thinking, I jumped on the opportunity. I let him take me away from our world of piety and I gladly went with him. I loved it so much, I love him so much, but now, the guilt is weighing down on me like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't bear it anymore. I had to confess to someone, I couldn't bear this weight alone. I threw away all of the things that we stand for on account of my own selfish pleasure and now…" Jude could barely continue. A lump began to form in her throat and tears welled in her eyes. "Now I have to give everything up. My church, my job, my life, all of it gone. I'll have nothing left, not even him. I know he won't want me if he found out, so I have to go. I have to renounce my vows and run away. I have to turn away from the place that saved me all those years ago, that gave me strength and faith. I have no other choice. I feel like this is some cruel joke God has played on me. As soon as my life of misery and self-hatred starts going well, I'm punished with this burden. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. What is there to do? Nothing. Nothing. I'm trapped. There's no way out of this now. Because…I'm pregnant." Jude let her last two words slip out of her like a whisper without any real weight behind them. Jude sat weak and exhausted, leaning against the side of the confession box, waiting for a response from the priest. But, much to her dismay, she was not dignified with one. On the contrary, she heard the swish of the man rising from the seat and leaving his side of the box. _What the hell? Where is he going?_ Jude thought to herself. Then, the door to her side of the box was pushed open. Jude glanced up and met eyes with the last person she wanted to see, Monsignor Timothy Howard.

"So you're with-child," Timothy stated with a startlingly small amount of emotion in his voice. Jude's jaw dropped at the sight of him and it took her a moment to become capable of formulating a sentence. When her brain finally reorganized itself, she asked

"Timothy? What on Earth are you doing here sitting in this confessional?"

"Absolving God's children of their sins. I know this is not my usual domain, but Father Shanley has fallen ill and asked me to watch over his church for the next few days. Oh Jude, why didn't you come to me before? And what's all this talk of leaving the church and leaving me in the dark?" Timothy asked her with a puzzled sincerity. He walked over to the side of the box that she sat in and sat next to her. Jude's eyes were glassy and her hands trembling. She looked down to the floor, ashamed of herself and afraid to answer him truthfully.

"How could I tell you? You can't have a secret love-child Timothy, for God's sake, you're an aspiring Cardinal! How could I ask you to run away with me and play happy family when we both know you truly want something else? I had no other choice…I just…I…" Jude could feel her already wavering composure splitting at the seams and she could no longer fight it. Collapsing in on herself, like a dying star, Jude let out a wail for herself and the fate of her unborn child. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks and fell splashing into her lap. Timothy pulled her into his chest and she continued to sob into his shoulder. "What am I going to do?" she wailed. Timothy stroked her soft blonde curls with one hand while the other wrapped around her back.

"Shh…my love shh. It will all be alright, I swear it. This can all be fixed. Just please stop your crying. I hate to see you filed with so much sorrow." Stroking her head once more, he lowered his head to plant kisses on top of hers. Her sobs subsided to a quieter whimper, but she still shook in his arms. Timothy could not have this. A secret nun-lover could be kept quiet while he arose in the church rankings, but a secret nun-lover and love-child calling him Daddy on the side? That could not be done. Children were never in Timothy's plans and that was not about to change. He only needed two things in his life two make him happy; the church and Jude. But, he could not have her if she had this child. They had already broken their vows, so he didn't see how asking her to break one more would alter things too much. "My love, we can fix this. No one has to know but us. I will be with you every step of the way. If we take care of this then we can have our lives back. You can continue your fine work at Briarcliff, I can be named Cardinal, and we can be together. It will all be alright."

Jude couldn't believe the words she was hearing. He was actually asking her to get rid of their child, a precious life that the two of them could bring into the world together. He was asking her to make the biggest sacrifice anyone could ever make. He was asking her to kill the life that grew inside of her. How could this be happening? Was this really the man whose spell she had let herself fall under? How could this be true? She had always thought that Timothy was such a perfect person, but she never imagined that he would be selfish enough to ask her to do this. She instinctually hid her disgust with him and rose out of his embrace. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but Timothy still looked at her lovingly. She managed to smile at him as she gazed into his endless hazel eyes, filled with kindness. Timothy reached his hand up and tucked a curl that had fallen in front of her face behind her ear. Then, he took Jude's hands in his, rubbing her fingers with his thumbs, soothingly.

"I know of a place that will help people in our situation. I will come for you when night falls and we can take care of everything. I swear to you, everything is going to be alright. I will be right there, holding your hand the whole time. I won't abandon you Jude. I love you." With a smile, Timothy leaned in and kissed her in the dim lighting of the confessional. Jude let herself melt into the kiss that only one of them knew would be their last. Timothy pressed his mouth against hers softly, caressing her. After a few moments, Jude pulled away and they wrapped their arms around each other. After planting a final kiss on Jude's cheek, Timothy whispered softly, "I'll see you this evening, my love." With a nod, Jude stood up and walked out of the confessional and back to her car.

•••

When Timothy finally arrived back at Briarcliff that evening, night had begun to lull the day away and soften the edges of forest with her dim beauty. Timothy had already made the arrangements to meet the doctor at her home, a short 20 minute drive from Briarcliff. Timothy knew that Jude would probably never let this go, but it had to be done. What she had said in the confessional earlier that day was true; there was no way out. Timothy bounded up the steps of Jude's stairway to heaven and quickly made his way to her office. He knocked on the door with three sharp raps, but there was no reply. After waiting a few moments and impatiently checking his watch, Timothy opened the door to an empty room. He called out Jude's name a few times, but there was no one there to hear him. He walked into Jude's room, and to his surprise, all of her personal effects were gone. No cross hung over the bed. No picture of the Virgin Mary sat on the bedside table. _Perhaps she's doing a bit of spring cleaning._ Timothy tried to rationalize. To be sure, he opened of the drawers of her dresser. He said a silent prayer before he pulled it open, but when he did, he found the drawers cleaned out. There were no sweaters, socks, undergarments, or shirts. Jude was gone and had left nothing behind. Timothy's heart started to race and he took quick, shallow breaths. He walked aimlessly back to her office room and stood next to her desk. Then he saw the envelope addressed to him in Jude's loopy, delicate handwriting. Timothy held his breath while he tore open the letter and tried to make sense of the words on the page.

_My dearest Timothy, _

_ My decision to leave the church has not been an easy one, I can assure you of that. However, I am confident that it will prove to be the right one for us. I know in my heart that I cannot continue to be a part of it after what has happened between us. I also know that it will be much easier for you to be the proper man of God, and hopefully Cardinal, that I know you are, without me around. Please don't worry about me for I'm going to have the abortion on my own. Leaving you is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, but it is something I have to do. I want you to know that not a day will go by when I won't wish I had you with me. Even though I love you with all my heart and even more, I have to ask that you won't come after me. This action will never stop hurting my heart, but it has to be done. Good luck with becoming Pope, Timothy; I'll be praying for you. And please remember that I have always loved you and probably will never stop._

_ Jude_

Timothy let his arms go limp and the letter float to the floor. He never knew how much it could hurt to lose someone you love. Timothy was practically at his breaking point when something in the waste basket caught his eye. Kneeling down closer to get a better look, he saw that it was the rose that he had given her nearly a week earlier. Timothy felt his heart wrenched open and a surreal, blinding pain filled his body. _Why have you flown away my rare bird? _ He thought. With every shred of dignity leaving him at once, Timothy let his body collapse on the floor and, with tears streaming down his face, cry for the loss of his _rara avis. _

I'm sorry that it took me so long to upload that chapter. I had exams this past week so it's been a little crazy. Well that wraps up chapter 4 and stay tuned for chapter 5. Don't forget to leave a review please! 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

5 Years Later

Timothy awoke to the bright sunlight shining in from the east window of his apartment. With a stretch, he rolled out from under the cream duvet and sauntered to the window where the New York City skyline greeted him with a Sunday's lazy elegance. The sun rose and greeted the city with a smile and Timothy gave one right back. He glanced over to his bedside clock where the red digital numbers blinked 8:43. He didn't have much time to ready himself for the 10:00 mass at St. Peter's Church, so he decided to skip his usual leisurely breakfast at the bistro on the corner of his block and instead began to don his traditional black and red robes of the archbishops.

As Timothy had expected, his work to transform Briarcliff into a seemingly pristine facility had not gone unnoticed by the church officials. Within a few years he was appointed bishop and had quickly arisen to the office of archbishop. Timothy buried himself in his work in an attempt to bury the pain from the scar that Jude had left across his heart. Of course, questions had been asked as to her whereabouts. However, Timothy was just as clueless as everyone else had been. She disappeared into thin air, like a wisp of smoke that he tried desperately to keep in his hands. He had scoured the internet, phonebook, and every other resource he had available to him, but he could not find her. Every time he failed to find her, his heart broke all over again and the memories of finding the rose he had given her crumpled in the trashcan came flooding back. After three years or so, he finally gave up and was forced to face the fact that she did not want anything to do with him. He prayed for strength, but even thinking of Jude and the dreams they shared together sent him spiraling down into a fit of despair. The only way for him to keep himself from falling apart and to continue working in the church was to completely suppress anything to do with Jude. He banished the memories of her soft skin and musical voice from his mind. He couldn't allow himself to drift into the daydreams of lying in bed with her head in his chest, holding her hands in his, or kissing her lips. If he did, Timothy knew he would never be able to pull himself out of it again.

Instead, he took on more duties with the church. Overseeing and advising all the churches in New York certainly gave him enough to do. Between advising priests, inducting new members of the clergy, and maintaining his own relationship with God, Timothy was able to suppress the feelings he had for Jude that threatened to bubble over into the rest of his life. The only way he was able to go on was to pretend that that section of his life didn't exist. That she didn't exist.

Once Timothy was dressed, he stepped into his bathroom for a quick shave and to comb his dark hair. When his chin was smooth and his hair was cleanly parted, he left his apartment and began the short walk to St. Peter's. At 9:15 on the dot, Timothy pushed open the tall oak doors, revealing the place that had become his home in the recent years. The alabaster stone stretched up to the ceiling in arcing triangles as sunlight flooded into the church from the windows high above the ground. Timothy glided over the white tile floor and doled out smiles and nods to the parishioners he passed that had already begun to gather in the pews.

Despite Timothy's ranking, he still liked to attend masses with the general public every Sunday. He wanted to remain close to the members of the church, for he recognized that he was no more important than any one of God's many children. Timothy chose a pew only a few rows back from the front with a clear view of the altar. Even though mass didn't start for another 45 minutes he still chose to arrive at this time every week, on part to secure a good seat in the crowded church and in part to have time to reflect on himself in God's house. Timothy knelt down and clasped his hand together, leaning his forehead upon them. _Dear Lord I pray that you grant me the strength to continue my work with honesty and devotion to you, my God. Grant me the clarity of mind and the purity of heart to guide the people that I advise with wisdom and grace. I pray that you guide me in my life as I serve the church with my full heart and spirit._

Timothy lost himself in his prayers and thoughts and before he knew it, the church had filled to the brim and parishioners were packed like sardines into the pews around him. The organ on the balcony had started to play and there was a universal swish as the church-goers stood up to sing the opening hymn. Various speakers stood before the crowd reading scriptures and proclaiming the word of the lord. Time always seemed to pass quickly for Timothy when he was in church. He let the soothing words of the speakers wash over him like calming waves of wisdom and serenity. Soon enough, the mass came to an end and the many people inside the church began to file out of the doors, taking with them blessings and signs of peace. Timothy stood up to return back to his block and enjoy a lovely egg white omelet from the corner bistro, but something… or rather someone, caught his attention.

"Timothy! Come here for I have some very exciting news," called the older, robed gentlemen from the corner of the room. Timothy turned and saw someone that he recognized as one of the members of the College of Cardinals. "My name is Cardinal Raymond Burke. Come Timothy, walk with me. We have some important matters to discuss." Lines appeared on the sides of his eyes as a kind smile spread across his sun dappled face. The pair of men walked to the back of the church before either of them spoke again. "Now Timothy, I want you to keep in mind that the church does not normally accelerate someone through the rankings this quickly. However, the pope believes that you have shown unquestionable devotion and promise in your previous work with the church. For this reason, I would like to personally offer you a position amongst the College of Cardinals. If you choose to, you will come live in Rome and sit amongst the great men of the church." Timothy could barely believe his ears. His knees suddenly felt weaker and his heart began to race with excitement. The College of Cardinals? He had dreamed of this day for so long. He now had the chance to advise the Pope and be on the track to taking that position himself.

"You have no idea what this means to me. I have waited for this for so long and I would be honored to accept the position." Timothy struggled to resist the urge to whoop and holler with joy. His smile was clearly visible through his words, despite his best effort to hide it.

"I had a feeling that you would accept, so I took the liberty of arranging for your transportation to the Vatican. Your flight leaves in a week. You will be contacted in a few days with all the details, but for now I suggest you get packing. Congratulations Timothy. I assure you, you will be very happy in Rome." With another kind smile and a pat on the shoulder, the College member swished away, leaving Timothy to revel in the euphoria of his promotion.

•••

When Timothy returned to his apartment, he had gone into a packing frenzy, folding clothes and packaging toiletries with the speed of a mad man. Only the strident ring of the telephone was able to break his superhuman focus. Timothy picked up the receiver and greeted the other end with a passive hello.

"Timothy? Is that you? It's Marcus." Timothy had not spoken with Marcus Dolon for a few years. Considering the fact the he had given up his search for Jude, he had no reason to.

_Timothy felt Jude's elegant hand stroke up the side of his face, looping around his ear, and then resting on the back of his neck. In his ear she whispered, "I love you too."_

Timothy felt his knees go weak. Just the sound of Marcus's voice threw him back into memories of Jude that were so powerful they threatened to take over him completely. Timothy tried as best he could to keep himself together and get through the conversation. "Yes Marcus, it's me. I haven't heard from you in a very long time."

"Listen, Timothy, I found her. I finally found her. She just popped up out of the blue. She lives in Edenton, North Carolina at 34 High Ridge Lane. It looks like she went there after Briarcliff to settle down. She's got a daughter that just turned four a few months ago, but no husband. It's lucky though, the girl's school records are the only reason I was able to find them." Timothy's world was tearing at the seams; nothing made sense anymore to him. His arms went limp and the receiver slipped out of his hand, dropping to the floor with a clatter. Timothy's emotions swirled together like they were inside a boiling cauldron of confusion, hurt, grief, guilt, and anger. Timothy could hold it in no longer. In a fit of rage he screamed and threw his upper body across the counter sending the meticulously packaged toiletries flying through the air and crashing into the opposite wall. He flipped his suitcase over spilling clothes all over the floor. Blood rushed to his face as he screamed another time.

"Of all possible times in my life for this to happen, WHY NOW?! AGHHHH! What in the hell am I supposed to do now!"

•••

The warm North Carolina breeze rustled the leaves of the oak tree that broke the sprawling green lawn of 34 High Ridge Lane. A dirt driveway wound up to the front porch of the modest one story house. Timothy had the urge to simply turn around and leave the quaint white house behind, like he was never even here. He wanted to bolt, to run like the coward he was and not face his past mistakes with the woman he had never stopped loving. But he had come too far to not even speak with her. So, with a surge of self-generated confidence, Timothy strode to the porch and rapped on the screen door. Within a few moments, he saw Jude bounding toward the door. She held a tall, thin glass of iced tea in her elegant fingers that had a few beads of condensation dripping down its sides. Her blonde hair was shorter, her curls falling just above her shoulders, and her mouth was slightly parted as if she had just been laughing. But as soon as she had come close enough to recognize Timothy, her face fell. Before she could offer a sentiment of hostility towards him, Timothy greeted her.

"Hello Jude. It's been awhile." Jude was exasperated. How had he found her? She was sure that she had fallen off the map, but apparently not.

"Yes it has." She replied flatly, avoiding his eyes. While standing in the doorway, she shifted her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other in an effort to diffuse some of the awkwardness in the air. Before speaking again, she took a breath, closing her eyes. "Why are you here Timothy? What do you want?"

"I just want to speak with you Jude. That is all I ask. May I come in?" His voice was timid and he could feel it threatening to break. He didn't dare let Jude see his weakness, though. Jude glanced uneasily back into the house and bit her lip slightly.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Jude crossed her arms and stared coldly into Timothy's eyes. She saw through Timothy's forced, tough exterior and saw how crestfallen he truly was. Timothy took a small step closer to her and said with evident desperation,

"Please Jude. Please. I must speak with you. I came all the way from New York solely for that purpose. I don't have to go in if you wish, but can we at least sit down?" He motioned to the two wicker chairs at the end of the porch. Jude sighed and shut the door behind her.

"Fine," she replied curtly. She then walked over to the chairs with her floral summer dress flowing behind her and her heels clicking against the wooden porch floor. Timothy followed her and sat in the chair opposite her. She hadn't aged at all in the past few years. Her eyes still sparkled and her skin still looked as soft as he knew it to be. "Now what is it that you want exactly, Timothy?"

"I want…I want to know why you did it. Why did you leave me like you did? Why did you disappear? We could have been so happy, Jude." With this last sentence, Timothy lowered his head and waited for some explanation as to why she had broken his heart and then proceeded to stomp on it.

"You know perfectly well why I left. I knew that it would be easier for both of us if I did. You could have the life in the church that I knew you wanted more than me. And I wouldn't have to feel guilty and dirty every day or feel like I was holding you back. It's better like this. I hear you're archbishop now. You never would have been able to have that with me still in your life."

"Jude, how could you say that? In the past 5 years, I've wished you were beside me more times than there are number of stars in the sky. I would give up everything if only I could be with you." Jude scoffed at this remark as soon as she heard it.

"We both know that's not true," she said darkly, glaring at him. Suddenly, the screen door creaked open and a small girl with Jude's curly blonde hair collected into a loose pony tail stepped gingerly out onto the porch. She walked up next to Jude's chair and gave Timothy an innocent smile before addressing her mother.

"Mommy I finished my painting. Can I watch TV?" Jude pushed a stray lock of her daughter's hair out of her eyes and smiled at her.

"Alright fine, but only one show. I don't want you to rot your brain, darling." The girl then tottered back in the house, leaving the former lovers in private. Timothy watched her waited until she was back into the house to speak again.

"She's beautiful Jude. Is…is she my daughter? Have I been a father for all these years?" Timothy already knew the answer to this question, but he had to hear it from her.

"Yes Timothy, she is your daughter, but don't you dare call yourself a father. You're nothing more than a sperm donor. I've raised Leah all by myself for 4 years. She doesn't have a father." Jude's words cut into Timothy like razors.

"You never gave me a chance to be! You ran away without a word to me!"

"And what if I hadn't? You asked me…no. You _told _me I was getting an abortion without even asking me how I felt about it. Do you have any idea what that would have done to me? It would have destroyed me! And you just had it all under control like it didn't even faze you. If I stayed I would have had to sacrifice everything I believe in. I would have had to sacrifice my daughter!" Jude's emotions that she had locked away deep inside of her were beginning to swell in her throat.

"I'm so sorry for what I did to you Jude, I truly am. I failed to see any implications beyond ones that affected me. But when you left, I _was_ destroyed. I didn't know how to live without you. My heart broke over and over again for each time I looked up and you weren't there. The only way for me to survive was to bury all of my pain and pretend that I didn't lie awake every night praying you'd come back to me. I tried for years to find you. You were all I wanted. You're still all I want. There hasn't been a day that has passed in the last 5 years in which I have not thought of you. I've never stopped loving you Jude, and I now know that I never will stop. I pray you know that." Timothy's voice broke off at the end of his last word.

Jude didn't know how to respond. She was no stranger to the sleepless nights, to lying awake aching for him and for his touch. She couldn't pretend that she hadn't missed him and nearly gone running back to him. She had diluted herself into thinking that she didn't need him for far too long. Although Jude refused to admit it to herself, she was still as madly in love with Timothy as she was when she was at Briarcliff. But she thought of the life she had with Leah. Her beautiful, amazing daughter was far more precious than being with any man. Leah was a piece of Timothy that would always be hers, even if she couldn't have him. Her daughter was the single most important thing in her life and nothing would ever change that. Her heart ached for Timothy, but as much as it hurt her, Leah mattered more to her than anything else.

"Timothy, my Timothy. You have to go. I'm sorry, but you have to." Timothy felt like all the weight and sorrow of the entire world had been dumped on top of him. Tears blurred his vision and his chest tightened. Why was she doing this? He couldn't live without her; she was his oxygen, his life and his world. Without her, he was nothing more than a broken clock, counting the days without meaning or purpose. Timothy couldn't let her slip away again.

"Jude, please. Please don't do this. I need you more than air. My heart will never let go of you and I will leave everything behind for you and our daughter. I want to be the father to her that I know she needs and the husband to you that you deserve more than anything else. Please, I want nothing more than to work this out with you." Jude could feel herself falling under his spell just as she had so many times before. But she wouldn't let it happen to her again. She wouldn't let herself fall for his heartfelt words or desperate eyes.

"I have to ask you to leave now. Don't make this any harder than it already is for me." Timothy stared back at her, confused like a lost puppy. Raising her voice slightly, she implored, "Please Timothy. Just go." She looked down into her glass. The ice clinked against the edges as Timothy rose from the chair and stood above her. He waited for some sort of acknowledgement, but Jude couldn't bring herself to look at his eyes that were swimming with tears and pain. He stood there for a few moments, but then, without a word, he exited the porch and started walking back towards his rental car. The small stones that interrupted the expanse of the driveway crunched beneath Timothy's shoes as he walked away from the only happiness he had ever known. Before he open the door to the compact black sedan, he glanced back up to the porch. Jude had moved from her place on the chair and was now standing next to one of the beams, holding on to it for support. Without warning, she suddenly set her glass down and reached out her hand to him. She then flew down the steps and started to run towards him. He was dumbfounded by this action, but Timothy felt his feet moving beneath him. When they got to each other, Jude placed her hands on Timothy's chest, near his collar.

"I can't do it Timothy. I can't let you leave. I need you with me." Jude's words graced Timothy's ears like notes of sweet music. With all the pent up longing and heartache and sorrow that Timothy had suffered the past years, he grabbed Jude by her waist and with one hand on the nape of her neck, he kissed her with a passion and longing that neither of them even knew existed. Their matching mouths fit together for what seemed like the first time after a lifetime of waiting for each other. Timothy held Jude in his arms and she wrapped her arms around him as well. Their embrace seemed to last forever. Every feeling of betrayal and anger that they had felt towards each other seemed to dissolve and was overpowered by the belonging that they both felt in each other's arms. Jude pulled away from the kiss that she had waited years for and laid her head on Timothy's chest.

"I love you Timothy Howard."

"You cannot even begin to imagine how long I have waited to hear you say that. I have always loved you Jude, and I swear to you that I always will." Timothy's heart swelled, for his rare bird had flown home, back in his arms.

•••

Cardinal Burke broke off the seal to the envelope and pulled out a handwritten letter on plain lined paper.

_Dear Cardinal Burke, _

_ Although I greatly appreciate the offer you have made to me, I must respectfully decline. In the past few days I have had time to ponder what I truly want out of life. The church has provided me with a home and a passion for many years now. However, I have found the place where I truly belong. I have come to realize that love and family is far more important than any title or amount of power that the church can give me. For this reason I have decided to renounce my vows. I firmly believe that the priesthood is no longer the place where I can continue on God's path for me. I apologize if my decision has created any inconveniences, but I know now that I am needed in far more important places besides the Church._

_ Sincerely, _

_Timothy Howard_

"Hmm," Cardinal Burke thought aloud, "What a shame. He would have made a phenomenal pope."


End file.
